They say that love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage.

I couldn’t agree more.

However, “they” failed to mention what was INSIDE the carriage that came with the horse. The answer should be simple, right? It should be: happiness, respect, pure bliss, love, passion, happiness, and more happiness. Duh. But wait. That’s wrong. Or at least it is for me. Right now, Will and I are reading The Song of Fire & Ice series (aka Game of Thrones) by George R. R. Martin. It’s medieval fantasy, and it is absolutely fantastic. Back in those days, it was not uncommon for people to travel via horse & cart where they would, more times than not, carry either all of their worldly possessions or carry the goods that could help them survive.

The way it’s looking now, I’m not sure how long we will survive. Well, how long the honeymoon phase will survive at least.

Don’t misunderstand me here. I am absolutely, irrevocably, supercalifragilisticexpialidociously THRILLED with married life and THRILLED with the man God chose for me. I love our routine, I love out kitty cats, and I love our ghetto little house. At this very moment, I am the happiest I have EVER been…with my relationship and who we represent as a couple. My happiness as an individual, however, is a completely different matter altogether. I am unsatisfied with my own life, and I do not feel as if I have put or am putting ample cargo into our little carriage of contentment. I do not feel as if I’m adding enough tangible or emotional bounty to our domestic stockpile. Because of my injury, I am STILL only able to work on a part-time basis. That’s right. One year and four months later. Part-time work only. Sigh.

It’s hard! Only working 12 hrs a week while Will works 40+ makes me feel guilty. I feel inferior and sometimes think that Will holds a grudge against me because he’s off busting his rump while I’m at home on the couch catching up on celebrity gossip and watching Netflix searching for different ways to make money so I can feel as if I am doing my part and adding more to our marriage. I do what I can though. I try to keep the house clean, I cut coupons, I cook nice meals, but Will worries about money ALL THE TIME. I often say that we could win the mega-million dollar lottery and he would STILL worry about money. I hate when he worries. It makes me feel like a bad wife. It makes me feel like I’m not doing my part.

I’m tired of it! So, I have come up with a plan. A plan that will make me feel as if I am doing my part, regardless of if it actually brings in any cash. A plan that will use all of my talents as well as few more. This plan is a great one. This plan will help me de-stress and help me out of this rut. This plan, my friends, will be discussed at a later date. From this moment on, all of my energy will be going into this plan. Why you ask? Because…

If you snooze, you lose. Don’t believe me? Ask Weasley!

1. My nephew was born.

2. My grandfather passed away.

3. Will & I got engaged.

4. I quit my job.

5. I had back surgery.

1. A Beautiful Baby Boy: I can not begin to describe the emotion I felt when I saw my nephew for the first time (or my niece for that matter). His cheeks were so puffy and red and from first glance he looked exactly like my brother. He is a true miracle of life and everything I have ever dreamed of having for myself. The feelings that I have for my niece and nephew are almost indescribable. I love them so much that I’m left feeling confused, wondering how on earth am I ever going to be able to love my own children as much as I love these kids? Tears fill my eyes when I think of how much I love them and how significant they are to my happiness. My dad and I were riding home from a Drs appointment yesterday and we were talking about how much those two kids light up our lives. They are, in all sincerity and lack of a better phrase, our pride and joy. When my niece was born, I was two semesters away from graduating college and was in a different place in my life. I had no one to answer to but God and myself, and I was still trying to figure out who I was. When she entered the picture and her true personality shined through, I felt a slight change in my heart. My love and affection for her took a protective turn because I see a lot of myself in her and it scares me to death. I’m scared that she is going to end up making some of the mistakes of my past, and I want to do everything in my power to be by her side and offer her a shoulder to cry on when her heart is hurting because, unfortunately, I know one day it will. I want to be her aunt, her confidante, her teacher, and her friend. I want her to know how deeply I love her, and I hope one day she understands that I only want the best for her. My nephew has a completely different hold on me. There has never been a question or doubt in my mind; I have always wanted children, but I have always wanted sons. I’m scared of having girls because I’m scared they will grow up to be as hard (or worse) on me as I was on my family during my rebellion years. I have already told Will that he has to prepare himself because if we have daughters, they are going to seriously test our marriage. For the most part, sons always love their mamas. I see the affection Will has for his mom, and I dream that I can have that connection with a son of my own one day. So, right now, I have my nephew to fill that void in my life. When he was born, I knew what I wanted and where I wanted to go in my life. I knew I was ready to settle down and start a family. Holding that precious bundle of baby makes my heart yearn for one of my own. He is so tenderhearted and sweet that it makes my heart melt. Just watching him roll his little car on the ground or listening to him say Dada Dada Da, I start hearing tick tock tick tock tick tock in my own ears almost as if Tock the crocodile from Peter Pan is swimming through my soul. Instead of instilling fear in me; however, I get ecstatic and thrilled knowing that one day I’m going to have babies of my own.

2. Papas Passing: I still can’t think about my grandfather without breaking down into tears. I love and miss this man so much. If there was every a person on this earth close to pure perfection, it was and will always be my grandfather. He was the cornerstone of our familial connection. He kept all of our characters in check not by telling us how to be or demanding our dedication, but simply by his leadership and his way of living. None of us wanted to disappoint our Mama Mac & Papa because doing so would buckle any barriers of  denial or self-protection we may of had in place to keep ourselves from admitting to our mistakes. Disappointing them could do nothing but help us face our problems head on. Naturally, Thanksgiving and Christmas were not the same as they have been in the past. This was the first year in all of our lives that we have had to spend these holidays without our alpha male. There was a huge void in the room, but none of us talked about it for fear of upsetting our grandmother and for fear of upsetting ourselves. I’m terrified of how my grandmother is handling his death. She has shriveled down to nothing more than skin and bones and it’s as if her spark has gone. In actuality, that is exactly the case. The star of her life has floated away to shine in the sky above. I can only hope that her spirit stays strong and the Lord helps her with her grieving. I hate the thought of our grandmother sitting at her home alone with no one by her side to bring out her happiness. No one there to help her remember how to smile.

3. An Engaging Event: Will and I were finally engaged this past June. It was a huge surprise and a wonderful memory that I will cherish forever. Our relationship has been anything but typical. We didn’t really have the cliche “honeymoon phase” that everyone talks about in the first couple of months/years and it most certainly wasn’t love at first sight. In fact, we butted heads and personalities from the very beginning. I am the extroverted drama queen who loves to spend money while he is the introverted avoid-er of confrontation who collects every penny he can get his hands on.  I honestly believe our relationship has worked in the opposite way from most. Our first year together was a serious struggle and we have talked about how surprised we both were that it even lasted past the six month mark. He was set in his ways and I was set in mine. He had just gotten out of a long term relationship and I hadn’t been in one for years, so neither one of us were really willing to let our guards down. His priorities were his family and his job and mine were friends and pre-graduation partying. Our phone conversations were full of awkward silences and clunky conversation starters. Our “dates” were usually with other people and I would be on one end of the room and he would be on the other.  At that point, I don’t think we even really liked each other all that much, but for some reason our relationship worked. In all honesty, neither one of us are sure what it was that kept us together. We’ve talked about it many a night and the only conclusion we could come up with was that there was a unseen celestial force that was telling us we should stick it out. I’m so glad we did because now we have become best friends. I feel that we are working towards the infamous “honeymoon phase”. We know each other inside and out and we love each other deeply. We know how to make each other cry, how to make each other laugh, and how to make each other feel protected. He is one of the most genuine and selfless people I have ever met. His heart and his intentions are pure as gold and he would never try to intentionally hurt someone unless they did something to someone he loved. I know he will be an amazing father and a fantastic husband. I know this because I watch him with my niece and nephew. He loves them and they love him. I know this is the man I am supposed to be with for the rest of my life. I love this man with my entire existence and can’t wait to get our life started. I’m so excited to build a home with him and see what life brings our way. No matter if its good or bad, if we can make it through that first year of our relationship without killing each other, then we can most certainly and without a doubt make it through any of life’s challenges.

4. So long AM Conservation: Quitting this job was a big blow for me and a blessing wrapped into one. I really loved my job and the people that I worked with; however, I LOATHED the people that I worked for. They are the most heartless, soulless, and prejudice people I have come across in my short existence. The way they ran their business was through fear, anger, and sometimes even illegal means. They asked about the possibility of future children in the hiring interviews, they swept accidents that should’ve been reported under the rug, they blamed inventory shortages on the admin staff when the warehouse manager was the one who called these shots, they told hurt or disabled employees that their jobs were not safe or if they had been aware of prior injuries they could’ve made a better decision about hiring that individual in the first place. They would then fly us to Vegas or take us on a trip to Savannah, expecting for everyone to act as if all was okay in their tiny little world. I held out in this position for as long as I could because I loved the people I worked with and we all bonded over how much we hated the place. The girls would even get together a few times every couple of months and sip on cocktails as we bellowed about and bashed our bosses evil existence. I really felt as if my soul was being sucked from that establishment. I was bringing my work home with me and lashing out at Will for work related frustrations. After Twin left, I could barely stand it anymore. The last straw was when I asked for our reviews that were 4 months overdue. My boss was offended that I used the word “our” rather than “my” in my email to her (even though it was common knowledge that we all got reviewed at the same time because we were all hired at the same time and that was my only reason for the use of the word) and she talked about me behind my back to other employees and during these employees evaluations stating that I was trying to be the voice of the admin staff and was stirring up trouble among the work place.  All I did was send an email politely asking for our reviews. That is it. This was the last straw for me and I walked out the door without looking back. It was a huge relief but did instill some worry in me. I knew Will would be upset since we had a wedding to pay for and all, but I really couldn’t take one more minute in that Godforsaken hell hole. Since I left, I have heard that two more employees have since walked out of the door in the same manner as Twin and I did. One of those employees actually got a scathing email from the president of the company that basically bashed his work ethic and his character as an individual. This hurt my heart because these people are two of the most humble and sincere individuals I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. They did not deserve to be treated that way, but then again our bosses have an extraordinary sense of entitlement and putrid,black souls. If these bosses have not yet taken a step back and asked the question “Why are all of our employees walking out on us?”, then I don’t think they ever will. Luckily, I believe in Karma and sincerely believe that these people will get what they deserve in the end. In fact, I think their punishment has already slowly begun.

5. Back to Blessings:  Back surgery has been a trying time for me, but it has also been a blessing in disguise. For starters, it has given me time to write and to work on my creative muse. I really love sitting down at my computer and siphoning my soul into it. It is liberating. Also, it has given my parent’s a chance to really get to know Will and to understand why I love him so much. When Will and I first started talking about getting married I don’t think my mom was too enthused and when the ring was actually on my finger and she realized the reality, I’m pretty sure she was heartsick. I know this because her reaction was not at all how I imagined it to be. She acted as if she was thrilled, but I know my mother and she was anything but. When I asked her about it she stated that she couldn’t be as happy as she wanted to be because she didn’t really know the man I was marrying. She didn’t have a connection with him, so she had her reservations. After thinking about it, I completely understood. Will isn’t the most direct person and even as his future wife I have to pin him down to the ground, slice open his chest, and extract his feelings one by one. It’s exhausting for me so I can only imagine what was going through her mind when he would come over to family dinners and barely say a word. He was a mystery to her. Hell, he’s still a mystery to me.  Since my surgery Will has been right by my side, from sleeping on an uncomfortable recliner in my hospital room to going out of his way to pick up my medication in North Charleston to bring it to me in Mt. Pleasant just to go back home to West Ashley.  He has come home from work, eaten dinner with us, snuggled in the family room with us, spent the night in the guest room, and woken up to help my mom clean the house in the morning.  He has shown my parents his true character and helped them realize why I love him and why I intend to spend the rest of my life with him. My mom said to me a few weeks ago, “You know, I really believe the reason you got hurt and the reason you had to have surgery was because God wanted to give us the time we needed to learn about Will. If you weren’t here, he wouldn’t be here and we wouldn’t have gotten the chance to love him like we do. He is such a great guy and fits right in with the family, and I am so happy that you are marrying him. “  Because of this, my friends, I would do it all over again.

I also submitted 3 poems for a contest for a literary journal called Crazyhorse. It’s a nationally acclaimed journal that is actually based out of the College of Charleston. I volunteered as an editorial intern for them after I graduated from UNCW, but that will have no baring on my chances since all entries are read anonymously. The winner of the poetry prize wins $2000 and is published in the journal. I don’t think I’m going to win, but it really can’t hurt to try!!!

I also started writing a non-fiction essay that I’m going to submit for publication for a very well known women’s magazine. They have a different topic for the magazine each month and people can write essays that fit within in the topic and submit them for publishing. Only 5-6 of all submissions are actually published, so my chances are slim, but hey! ALL writers are rejected more than they are accepted and I knew that when I chose this path!

Here’s a little clip from the prologue to my novel.  Tell me what you think…

“The cold wind swirls around my ears as gently as the tongue of my first love’s affection.  Icy sprays from the sea splash onto my skin, slightly stinging.  The Charleston peninsula sits in the distance.  Ft. Moultrie guards our backs.  I can easily count thirteen churches on the horizon, their saintly steeples reaching higher into the sky than any other building in the Holy City.  It’s an unusually chilly September sunset in South Carolina.  My three best friends and I are sitting on a jagged row of darkened rocks which hug the shoreline like the mother’s of the fallen soldiers who lost their lives here.  The Rocks we like to call this place: the place where we come to break away from reality.” –Copyright Amber Hanna 2010

Belk: fine china, everyday china, christmas china, fine & everyday flatware, misc. drinkware

Bed, Bath, & Beyond: crystal stemware, kitchen accessories, cookware, utensils, kitchen gadgets, bath towels, misc. bedding, and misc. bath accessories

Khols: Kitchen appliances, kitchen & dining decor, housewares, bathroom sets, & luggage sets

Honeymoon Wishes: www.honeymoonwishes.com. This is a website where we register for the honeymoon excursions we hope to do!

I have also set up a knew wedding website. The one of the knot was too basic and didn’t give me enough options, so I changed it to this instead:

www.amberandwill.weebly.com

I have booked a tasting at a Bakery downtown called Baked. They are charging us a $30 tasting fee which I thought was high, but it is a higher end bakery so I think we may just go for it. Also, if we decide to book with them then that $30 will be refunded.

Lastly, my AMAZING maid of honor noticed a typo on our save the date cards! Apparently Moncks Corner has a “c” in it! Who knew! Anyway, good thing she noticed that I didn’t order them all yet!!! I actually have to make some other changes to them too. The text was too small and didn’t show up very well on the black background so I’m not quite sure how I’m going to approach it.

Who knows what I’ll do, but I’m sure I’ll post it once I do!

So, the idea came from this wedding invitation that I absolutely adore!!!  Also, since we will be using hanging mason jar lanterns, flower cases, etc. the design was perfect and the fireflies added an extra special touch with our “enchanted forest” theme. The only problem is that these invitations would cost nearly $1,400 for the entire set with RSVP cards, etc. That is way over our budget an just plain absurd pricing and considering I’m in school for graphic design, I decided we were going to design everything ourselves!!!

So, I played around with my own designs and went back and forth and back and forth and and added things here and added things there being sure to create a unique design until I finally came up with this…

We will be printing these on small business card size magnets so people can just throw them on their refrigerators.

So…what do you think?

Also, we made some AWESOME, AWESOME, AWESOME changes to our menu and I am sooo excited about it. The best part about it is that it doesn’t affect our proposal price AT ALL!!!! I highly suggest that if you are looking for a caterer you call Sarah at New Dream Catering. She is phenomenal!

Will got a little perturbed at me for posting practically all of our wedding details on this blog so I’m not going to tell anyone about the changes. Those of you who will be invited will just have to wait and see!!!

Lastly, after agonizing and weighing the pros and cons over photographers, we finally settled on Michael and Mark Requidan from Your Priceless Pics (www.yourpricelesspics.com). Their packages are AH-MA-ZING and we mailed them the deposit this week!

Yay!!!!!

So far, things are coming along just fine. We have set the date and booked our venue. We are getting married at Cypress Gardens on October 29, 2011. The venue is perfect because:

1. We have the property from 10am-1am.

2. We are getting married in the secluded (and somewhat secret) wedding garden and the reception will be outdoors on the beautiful front lawn. I have also booked one of the buildings so the caterers can use the kitchen, me & my girls can get dressed and hang out there before the ceremony, and it is a back up in case of rain.

3. It was totally within our price range and includes tables & chairs for both the ceremony & reception!

Our wedding colors & theme have been chosen as well. We are going for eggplant/plum, marigold, pumpkin,fern green, & black. These colors are perfect for fall and transition perfectly with the colors for the Halloween kissed after-party!

We have also booked New Dream Catering for the reception. The staff is soo friendly and nice and the tasting was fantastic! Here is a tentative menu, but keep in mind this is subject to change:

Cocktail Hour

Drinks= Bubbling Butterbeer, Orange Cream Soda, Water, Tea, soft drinks

Apps=

Country Ham Sweet Potato Biscuits

Seared Local Shrimp with Tomato Basil Ragout, Corn Bread Crostini

Brie and Fig Tarts

Dinner Stations

Salad Station

Mixed Greens, Dried Fruits and Nuts, Assorted Cheese and Dressings, Housemade Croutons (served in Chinese takeout containers)

Greek Station

Grilled Vegetables, Roasted Red Pepper Hummus, Falafal, Pita Points (have extra for vegetarians),  Spanakopita, Mini Chicken Gyros with Tzatziki Sauce (SERVED ON THE SIDE)

Meat and Fish Station

Herb Encrusted Beef Tenderloin with Scalloped Potatoes

Pan Seared Wahoo with Black Bean and Roasted Cumin Corn Cake topped w/ Mango Salsa and Cilantro Oil

Late Night Candy buffet with Pumpkin Mousse and Strawberry and Vanilla Mousse served in Shot Glasses served around cupcake stand

How does that sound? Any suggestions?

Lastly, we’ve have decided on our photographers. They are fantastic and phenomenally priced so we will be mailing the deposit and signing the contract this week.

The next step is taking the caterer and my friend Courtney to the venue so we can figure out the set-up and rentals. Courtney just graduated from the Art Institute of Charleston with a degree in interior design (I am so, so, so proud of her) and is going to be helping with the actual design of the event itself i.e. table displays, linen colors, aisle & gazebo decorations, etc. I am an incredibly creative person, but do not have anywhere close to the talent/vision Courtney has when it comes to those sorts of things. She is AH-MAZING and is our own little Martha Stewart!

Also, as soon as I can move around, I want to start with cake tastings! This is something I’m (as well as my sis-in-law) are super stoked about! We’ve decided to go for a cupcake tower instead of a traditional wedding cake because they are less expensive and taste better!

That’s all for now!

Today has been especially hard for me. I woke up around 8am in excruciating pain and immediately felt depressed because my recovery has been so wishy washy. One day I’m ok, the next I feel like death.  Luckily, I was able to fall back asleep, and when I woke up in pain again, I called out to my parents and received no response. I called out to them again thinking maybe no one had heard me, but then I realized I had been left alone. Again.

I feel completely helpless at the moment. I can walk yes, but I can’t bend, twist, turn, reach, stoop, stretch, pick up anything that weighs more than 1 lb, or exert myself in any way. If I drop something on the floor, I have to use my toes to pick it up. If it’s something too big for my toes to grasp, then it takes me about an hour to figure out a way to get whatever it is I need off the ground. Getting up off the couch is a chore in itself yet I’m expected to go up & down and up & down & up & down the elevator everytime I need something to drink. I’m supposed to be taking it easy people!!!!! How on earth is it appropriate to leave me alone by myself?

I honestly feel abandoned. I have expressed to my parent’s that I don’t like being left alone and on that day they tell me they understand, but then two days later I’m left alone again. My dad came home today and brought me a subway sandwich. That is the only thing I have eaten today. I wasn’t asked if I needed anything else until right before my dad walked out the door and left me home alone. Again.Until at least 10pm.

My fiance told me early this week that I was only going to see him one day this week because he would be busy with work & then he’s going home for Thanksgiving.  I love him very much and understand that he has things to do, but there is no way I would go an entire week without seeing him if our roles were reversed and it was him who had the surgery. I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night. The worse part about it is he knows how my parent’s are and he understands that they have become completely unreliable, yet when I told him I would be left alone he didn’t offer to come over.  Instead, he got off the phone with me because he was apparently agitated with my attitude. Did he not sense the fear & desperation in my voice? Did he not understand my loneliness? Does he not understand that I feel as if he’s abandoning me?

I am going through one of the most significant and painful events of my life and I feel like the 3 people in this world who are supposed to be there for me are not.

I am heartbroken and offended, sad and depressed, and incredibly hurt that no one is here to help me. What am I supposed to do if my pain level reaches a 10 again after standing up off of the toilet? How am I supposed to get to the phone if my pain is so severe I can’t walk? What happens if someone breaks into the house?

I’m not asking to be waited on hand and foot. I’m not asking for someone to feed me, bath me, or wash me. All I’m asking is for someone to be here for me in case something happens considering I am recovering from an incredibly extensive & painful BACK OPERATION.  I had my abdomen sliced open and a  portion of my spine removed. It has been 3 weeks since my surgery and though I am progressing, I am not well enough to be left alone.

My parent’s said to call them if I needed them. Really? Really? Then why didn’t you answer me when I called?

For those of you who don’t know, I had to undergo a major back operation last week from an injury I obtained while bartending back in 2007.  Seriously, in one instant, my entire life changed.

The injury originally occurred at a very well know establishment on Shem Creek. Unlike any restaurant I had ever worked in, no bartender was able to get behind the bar unless they bent down and walked underneath a glass rack. There was no latch that lifted up a portion of the bar which would enable easy access for employees. Strange, I know.  I had worked there for several months and had had some uncomfortable moments while getting behind the bar, but nothing that was too serious until July 14, 2007.

On this particular evening, I bent underneath the glass rack and when I raised up I felt a “POP!” in the middle of my lower back and a scorching pain spread across my back and down my legs and to the tips of my toes. It was absolutely excruciating and it came on so abruptly I thought it was a kidney stone. Needless to say, the pain continued to increase and within 30 minutes I was no longer able to walk.

Since that time, though I have had my good days and bad, I have had consistent leg pain and back pain that keep me from living a normal life.  If I make one wrong move the pain can become unbearable and I will end up in the hospital like I did in June of 2009.

Since July of 2007, I have had 3 MRI’s, 3 epidural steroid injections, countless hours of physical therapy, and a consistent combination of narcotics & anti-inflammatory medications.  All of which have done nothing to relieve my pain or help heal my injury. So, since all conservative measures had been exhausted, my Dr. uttered the word “surgery”.

My thoughts were like this: I could either continue to live the way I was living and definitely get worse or I could have the surgery and have the possibility of gaining back a portion of my normal life.  I think the biggest reason why I decided to have the surgery was because I am getting married in less than a year and will more than likely start trying to have children a year or two after that.  There is absolutely no way on earth I could carry a child with the back troubles I was having, so I opted for surgery.

On November 9, 2010, I underwent an Anterior Lumbar Disc Fusion.  Sounds terrifying, right?  Trust me, it was. Basically, the Drs gave me a C section and went in through my abdomen, pushed all my innards aside, scooped out the herniated disc, stretched out my spine to put it back to where it was supposed to be, then inserted an implant into my spine which will (hopefully) fuse my spine together and keep it from moving, thereby taking away my pain.

I am now on day 9 of my recovery and am still in excruciating pain. I have to wear a very uncomfortable back brace AT ALL TIMES even when I sleep.  The only exception being when I shower. At this time, I am still in excruciating pain and will be for at least another 5 weeks. I’m already starting to feel helpless and feeling the depression creeping in.

Today is an especially hard day for me because Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows Part 1 is coming out at midnight, and I think this is one of the first openings I have ever missed. I am completely devastated and have pretty much been crying all day. I’m sure that’s not the only reason, I mean I am going through an extraordinarily hard time right now, but I can tell you it certainly doesn’t help put me in a good mood to know that I am physically unable to stand in line and watch that movie!

So, now that I have all this free time on my hands, I hope to post more. Hopefully writing will help heal my wounds.